Sunsets

Last night,
The things you said,
Keep company throughout the day
And hit me the most at sunsets:
Amidst shadows and silhouettes,
The dusky brilliance of a peachy grey sky,
I keep coming back to sighs.

I hold my wavering sight on clouds and lightening that a dried up tree paints against them.
In every node a stolen desire,
A dreamy fantasy.
Where the dried leaves make their feeble present felt,
I imagine my moans,
Trembling in my voice.

Dusk gradually will

Turn into a full blown climactic eruption of stars,
Tomorrow I shall,
Be pulling the neck of my shirt towards the scar,
That remains a secret between us:
And I will be hyperventilating still
When I wake up.

Aparajita

Distance

We share the same space,

You and I.

I’m surprised so many relentless years have already passed us by.

I wake up to the smell of your new cologne,

You to the sound of my sigh as I repeat to myself ‘I’m fine.’

We walk inside this house like ghosts from different timelines,

Indifferent.

Late into the night,

I stare at my phone,

My back resting against the headboard of the bed,

Unable to close my eyes I drift into the dread,

Of reminiscing what we had.

My free arm feels like a leaden weight,

It lingers close to yours and I die a few deaths,

Wishing I wouldn’t be

Afraid to take your supine hand into mine,

Mortified to have you probably pull it away,

Chiding me with a mild annoyance,

‘Just what do you think you’re doing?

I’ve to go to work, please.’

Just when did it come to this?

I feel I have been betrayed by time,

How it stretched through the years,

And yet felt like a blink.

I was here,

And you couldn’t wait to hold me in your arms.

One of these days,

I might have to beg for your affection,

You would perhaps spare it in alms.

Not Today

Hey,

I wonder if you,

Look over your shoulders now and then,

To confirm that you’re not being followed.

I wonder if you’ve ever had to consider what the best pepper spray in the market was.

I wonder if you’re aware at times,

Looking at objects and counting the ways they double up as weapons of self defense.

I wonder if you ever feel bothered by the fact that acid can be bought off the counter,

If you’ve ever shuddered at the idea that you’re not immune to the different kinds of violence women can be subjected to.

I wonder,

If you’ve preferred to wait in well lit areas on empty roads,

If you’ve maneuvered like a gymnast while walking down pavements,

Dodging elbows and shoulders alike.

If you’ve ever tried to judge by your cab driver’s display pic

If he could rape you.

If you’ve dressed conservatively to ensure it’s some other woman who is groped

Not you.

If you’ve been wary of men buying you drinks,

And trying to assess the chances of you getting date raped.

If you don’t take the road less travelled,

If you are conscious of exactly how fast you should walk around that corner.

If you make yourself small in public transport,

Only because balls hurt, honey.

If you sometimes wish you could magically tug at the seams of your skirt and watch it grow,

And envelop you inside a panic room and no one can intrude into.

I know,

I know you wish someday a man acknowledges the wars youve been waging every single day.

And to that wishful thinking we hang our heads in disappointment and say,

‘Not today. ‘

Rain

Rain falls from azure skies.

I wait at the window for the koel to sing me some songs today.

She flaps her wings and looks at me.

Almost as if she wants to stay,

And acquiesce.

Sing me the song where two lovers meet,

And the world,

Does not, for once,

Fall into pieces when they do.

Rain falls like cheese dripping off of my sandwich,

Like a stream of cool water on a fresh burn,

Like a word whispered in my ears,

The reverberation following suit in my body,

Elsewhere.

Like a caterpillar mid metamorphism,

And rain falls like thoughts on my parched mind,

On a multi dimensional dry patch of visions and scenes,

Rain falls like the smell of your sweat as I lay in your arms,

Trying to break this spell.

Fly home, little bird,

My heart now croons its own melody.

Fly home, darling,

Fare thee well.

Feels

Don’t leave me to my thoughts,

After you’re done showering me with words,

My thoughts – they scare me like,

The sound of a shivering night in the silence of the stars,

Marred by crickets,

And how my feet approaching startles them into silence.

I might,

Break like morning breaks on a night that no one knows about,

Except us.

Obscure and into easy forgetfulness,

Daylight doesn’t know what happened last a few hours ago

But it can still hear the echo of a sigh,

That broke on a dejected night.

Everything comes back to my mind,

Like my favourite movie scenes,

I know the words by heart,

And I sometimes see them in a new light.

I know what evil magic the sorcerers sprinkled on my dreams,

Whenever I am afraid I’m waking up,

All I hear is my muffled screams.

We’ve all wanted to vanish into thin air at times,

I’ve often wanted to conjure myself again,

But with a reset on what I feel.

If I could build myself from scratch,

Maybe,

Maybe I’d heal.