I woke up with a start and fumbled at the table top beside the bed. With my eyes half closed, I pressed the power button of my phone and squinted to take a better look.
It was three. Waani was still wailing and there was no trace of Amrita in the room. I shifted in the bed and tried rocking the cradle to no avail. Waani only wailed with increasing intensity. I was concerned about Amrita now. She wasn’t in the room and the stillness of early morning broken up by a child’s cries didn’t bring her in either.
I leapt up to my feet and gingerly lifted Waani in my arms. Resting her head against my shoulder, I ran my hand gently across her back, trying to sing a lullaby. Gradually, her wailing turned into a sing song attuned to my humming. Within ten minutes, she was sound asleep when I placed her back into the cradle and rocked it to and fro gently, my thoughts now returned to Amrita. I closed the bedroom door behind me without making as much of a sound. And tiptoed to the balcony. Usually I found Amrita there, supporting herself against the railing often during the bouts of depression that plagued our lives now.
To my surprise, she wasn’t there. I turned and was about to head towards the kitchen when the bathroom door slightly ajar caught my eye. Inside, the light was on.
I gave the door a slight push and it creaked under the force as the bathroom floor came into view. There she was, huddled against the corner,knees together, her face a dreadful mix of agony and guilt. She had been crying.
I said as I sat down beside her and waited for a response.
After excruciatingly slow moments of silence interspersed with our breathing,
She sniffed and turned her face towards me.
‘Is she asleep?’
I nodded my head. ‘She is.
Why don’t you come to sleep as well, Amrita?
When did you wake up?’
She dropped her head and was looking at the floor now.
‘Around two. I couldn’t sleep, Vaibhav.
I have been having these thoughts that I am not taking enough care of our baby. When I look at her, these scary what ifs start ramming against my mind. I am frightened Vaibhav. I can’t do this.’
I listened to her as I took her hand in mine and held it in a warm entanglement of our fingers.
‘Am I a bad mother?’
Only I knew how I had been dreading this question ever since Amrita had delivered a perfectly healthy baby girl three weeks ago. I knew this was coming and yet I hadn’t prepared an answer. I always knew.
I turned towards her and cupped her face in my palms. How I loved her so much it pained me to see her this distraught.
In sickness and in health.
‘No, you’re not. No one can tell you that Amrita. Trust me, you’re doing the best that you can. Would I ever lie?’
It took her a moment to register what I had asked of her and she shook her head.
I wrapped my arms around her and held her firmly. Her shoulders sagged, as if a load had been taken off, and she slid hers across my waist and let her head rest against my chest. I worked my way through her hair, running my fingers along the length and the same tune that put waani to sleep came back to me.
I sighed. With Amrita, everyday was a struggle.I had fallen in love with the amazing person that she was without realising that beneath the facade, there was a soul so utterly devastated that it took humongous amount of effort keeping up with the various manifestations of her depression, now made severe with post partum trauma.
I used to think the baby would change her outlook for the better.She had been happy. She had been all smiles and she had no idea I could see through that. At the second week after the delivery progressed, I knew she’d breakdown. I knew it was imminent and I had hoped I’d be there when it happened because as much as I hoped it didn’t happen, I knew it was inevitable too.
My thoughts were interrupted when she took a deep breath and looked up at me.
‘I love you so much.’
I said, my words caught in a whisper. I lowered my head and kissed her on the forehead.
She tugged at my tee-shirt, pulling at it with all the strength she could muster, and kissed me back on the lips. In that kiss, I could feel her longing to revalidate herself as someone who deserved to be loved. Tears welled up in my eyes and I struggled to keep them from leaving me when I couldn’t afford to seem vulnerable.
I wanted to make my way of dealing with her depression work. I wanted to give her the hope that she searched for, when she looked into my eyes.
When she committed suicide nine years later, she told me in a note that it really worked.
You kept me alive far more than anyone ever could.
Would you run to the store at the corner of the street,
And get us some fresh love?
We’ve run out of it I think.
There’s a little bit sticking to the bottom of the jar;
But that will need some work on it.
I have already tried everything I could think of.
Can you now see if you’re any better at it than I am?
But be careful,
What if the jar falls and shatters,
And we can’t tell shards from whatever remains of our love?
We wouldn’t want that.
Perhaps we can ask funny Will to sell us some.
Replenished with the spark everyone keeps telling us to get.
Though I wonder,
Do they sell refills?
Because I can tell darling,
We are going to be needing it often,
And it will never be enough.
Women who are mothers to us, worrying how we’re making it. What we have had for lunch and just when are we going to marry. Those who became mothers recently and are basking in it’s glory, even those who don’t think they’re carved for the task. Single mothers being a set of parents to their kid. He is going to ask you someday who his father was. I don’t know what you’re going to say.
He didn’t want you, dear.
She stands outside the obscure clinic, her face covered, awaiting her turn. They’re going to extract a part of her and set her free. Free of this judgemental world.
Women who love their husbands and women who are loved. She wakes up to snuggle up to him and he wraps a hand around her. Life’s good.
Women stuck in a loveless marriage, unable to get out. Where will I take my kids? What will people say? My parents will not take me back.
Women who go to sleep, cuddled next to their pets.
And then those who finish a sandwich on their way to office, tackling casual sexism as they drive. Women who are bosses and those who are subordinates.
Women that bleed every month and yet try to pretend they never have it. They can climb mountains on their periods. Why should people get to know they’re having those days of the month. The shopkeeper discreetly wraps napkins in newspaper and then puts it into a black plastic bag. She feels like an undercover agent delivering a package to Matt Damon.
She watches him do that and wonders of she should be as ashamed of menstruation as he is.
Women who shout slogans and those who rather post a status update. Hashtag outrage.
Women who stand tall in the face of obstacles.
You will not go outside to work.
You will not apply for a job.
You will not drive.
You will not go to school anymore.
You will not talk to boys.
Women who carry on their heads bricks to construction sites and lament the builder’s cut in their pay.
Women, truckloads of them trafficked across states to be used as maids in upscale residential localities. Listen, you will take care of my kid and manage the chores while I go to work. Memsaab I don’t like your husband touching me.
To be sold to pimps. To enter a vicious never ending cycle of exploitation. Women who deal in these women without hesitation.
Women sweeping our corridors so that they can pay for the education of their children. Those of them beaten black and blue by their men.
Women motivating other women and those that pull them down.
We are friends.
Our own enemies.
Women who work and those that don’t. The ones creating magic out of words.
Women who are looking for love and those that have given up on it.
Women who are achieving milestones. Women witnessing these women and wondering what they are doing with their lives.
Then there is a tribe of those that find recluse in gossip because that’s their escape.
Women adhering to stereotypes and those challenging it.
I know that We are the same, all of us. Our stories make us different, have us grasping at reality differently.
Some of us affixed like rubber stamps into categories.
I don’t understand how we make that distinction. We are misfits.
Impossible that every woman finds a mention here but those that I have seen and those I know of, do.
We don’t seem to be able to get any closer, and that’s the problem.
You and I,
We talk in monosyllables-
The usual stuff,
Like how life has been pulling us down,
And in screenshots,
We narrate conversations.
We are not getting any closer,
I want you to tell me,
If you like watching stars
And whether or not it makes you feel irrelevant.
I don’t want to talk about the weather anymore.
Explain to me what the wind makes you feel.
Do you wish you were home?
I don’t know you. I have no idea what demons you have been fighting lately. But I want to listen to what has been bothering you. Go ahead, I won’t judge I promise.
Tell me what you’re afraid of. Tell me how you feel this morning.
I have been there, not wanting to talk. I lay on the bed, not trying to sleep neither wishing to stay awake. Nothing someone says reaches me. It feels like they’re talking from the other side. And I just nod. I just let them know I am listening, their pauses validated by ‘hmm’ and ‘yeah’
And I have been there, wishing I was dead. What brought me out of this wasn’t well meaning support or words of wisdom. I just gradually became indifferent to the anxiety. It still exists but I think I handle it well. But I know, that is not how you’re supposed to grow out of agony.
You’re supposed to be loved.
So I don’t know who you are, but I’d be the person I needed when I was down.
I am here. You’re not alone.
I am a banker by the day. People usually try to imply that my life is easy. I have a 9 to 5 job and not much pressure. How wrong that is!
Often I am so tired that I just want to hit the bed as soon as I get back home. There’s enough pressure to give in to. But I don’t cave under pressure though I am at a loss because I cannot write. I cannot write as often as I want to; as much as I want to.
If there was a machine that could give me extra time, I’d write novels.
I’d write novels in the stream of consciousness narrative, a peek inside the mind of a paranoid person.
I’d write that story set in a post apocalyptic world that has gone to the dogs.
And another about a woman who finds her lost love back again in a terrorist attack and tends to him, rediscovering passion and herself.
I will take you inside my nightmares where bodies lie piled up at the Town centre, only to be stripped of whatever material they might be possessing on them before they are scooped up by cranes and dumped in a gigantic landfill.
A bus plunges into a roaring river and what the thoughts are of one passenger who narrates it to you. From the moment the bus skids off a bridge to the second life leaves her body. You are going to read every detail.
Take my hand and enter the world of someone who has lost all hope. Walk in his footsteps only to discover the footprints stopping right before a ledge on the terrace of a highrise. While you walk, I will take you through everything that brought him here, gave him the assurance that death was the better option.
Yes, if I had extra time, I will be prolific.
If it’s okay,
To kiss you like we are in a dream, about to wake up,
Then I’ll hold you up against the wall and do that.
If it’s okay,
To talk about the stars making weird shapes,
While we desperately want to fall asleep under them,
Then I will create a canvas of shapes as far as your eyes can stretch in a gaze.
Look that’s a heart, I mumble sheepishly.
If it’s okay to stand on rooftops and feel the wind on our faces,
Drive a skyfall across my skin,
I’ll want us to fly.
To test these shallow waters that keep us inches in trepidations,
If we are permitted to love,
I will dive in still for answers.
Do we sink or stay afloat?
And now I know that I am okay.
It is alright,
To talk about what is not important,
At one in the silence of the night,
It is allowed,
I am allowed to feel.
The daily post weekly photo challenge in its latest challenge asks us to take a photo of what satisfies us. My first thought went to my books. And I won’t lie and tell you I have read the lot that I have, the satisfaction springs from having them, and finding comfort in the fact that one day I’ll pick up one that I haven’t read and will gain a new experience at minimal effort.
I don’t find answers in your faith,
But you do.
And maybe we can go on living like that.
Maybe I can stop sneering at your traditional ways
and you can keep from the thought that I worship the devil.
For I’ll need faith for that.
If you find peace,
You head bent over in front of idols,
Books and shrines.
Mountains and rivers.
Fire and the sun.
I am but a blot on another dot,
In a cosmic space that boggles my mind,
And I tried faith to give me the hope that
There still was some hope left for us.
I am but moving towards death like you,
Trying to avoid the inevitability,
Trying to make sense in the truth that,
I am not worse off than you.
I have seen you shrug and brush off a tragedy as
The will of the Lord,
And resign to the cajoling that,
In the end,
The faithful ones shall attain redemption,
While I’ll be queueing up at the gates of hell.